As you guys know, right now, it’s hot outside. Not just hot though. Freaking “I think I’ve been transported to the Middle East” hot. Just want you to know how much I hate hot. My thighs rub together and I get a heat rash, my deoderant has to do double duty, and I have a constant sweat spot on the butt of my jeans. I mean, for goodness sake, I keep the a/c in our house on 66 degrees year around. So to all of you who love summer and love the heat, I have just one sentiment for you…DIE! No, not really. Don’t die. Just put on an extra pair of underwear, three pairs of socks, a sweater, four pairs of pants, some thermal underwear, a windbreaker, a hoodie, two jackets, and a fur coat, then go sit outside for twenty minutes. Then you may get an idea of what it is like to be a fatass in summer. Just remember: If you are cold, you can always put on more clothes. If you are hot, you can only take so much off. Do you really want my fat ass sitting naked in the chair next to you? I didn’t think so. Until tomorrow, stay cool out there!
Monthly Archives: June 2012
So, this is my first blog. I actually didn’t want to do a blog, but start a series of those funny e-cards titled “Fat People Problems”…instead, my idea morphed into this, a blog full of stories and insights into a fat person’s world, and true, sometimes comedic situations that I have found my fabulous fluffiness in. Firstly, let me go on record and let you all know that I am not some skinny jerk who thought it would be funny to insult fat people. I am, as my doctor says, “obese”, but really, I hate that word. I mean, really hate it. It makes me cringe. So, we will just say I’m a fatass. Funnily enough, I actually prefer this term. Could you imagine walking into the doctor’s office and being told you were a fatass? I would probably have to laugh, and I would DEFINITELY go see that doctor again. And for all those inquiring minds that want to know exactly how fatass I am, well, that is really none of your business. Just know that I weigh between 200 and 2000lbs. That’s a pretty good approximation right? The thing about being fat is that you don’t generally step on a scale very often. Usually tears, screaming, ripping out of hair, etc. follow this action, so most fatasses out there just don’t do it. I, on the other hand, have a scale in my bathroom, and I do step on it on a regular basis, but again, exactly HOW fat I am is none of your business. But, I digress. Okay, so if you’re are like me, you know… fat, you may understand some of these situations, but still, read on. You may learn something new from someone even fatter than you. And if you are fatter than me, well, good luck to you. I know how it is. Finally, if you are skinny…well…I don’t know. Congratulations, I guess? All you skinny little stick-figures, read on…you will DEFINITELY learn something.
In today’s world, fat people are all around. If you are in a group of people right now, look left or right, and you will probably see a fat person. Then again, you may BE the fat person. If you are sitting at McDonalds shoving 15 Big Macs into your face, this is a pretty good indication that you are, in fact, the fat one. Anyways, thanks to a busy lifestyle, an abundance of fast food restaurants, a general laziness that seems to pervade the American psyche, and some unlucky genetics, it now seems that the fatasses out there are well on their way to ruling the world. Are they really though? Read on a little, and then you can decide…
Growing up fat, you learn a few things really fast. #1: People hate you. No, let me rephrase that…Skinny people hate you. Ok, for those of you out there giving me a look of disgust, claiming it is offensive and wrong to lump all skinny people into a category of hate, you’re right. But seriously, when was the last time you saw a bunch of fat kids calling another kid fat? When was the last time a random 800 lb guy driving down the road yelled “fatass” at some poor overweight person walking through the crosswalk? I’m guessing there was no last time. Aside from that, there might have been one of two of you out there who have never given the side-eye to the 500lb guy eating off of three plates piled so high with food that they look like a miniature mountain range or the lady wearing a tent as a dress at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, but even then, you can’t admit that you haven’t thought to yourself, “God, he’s fat!”, or “better grab all the food I can now, because when she gets done, there won’t be any left!”.
Point #2: The world hates you. And by world, I mean good ol’ planet Earth. Mainly, there’s that damn gravity, always pulling you down, making your boobs sag (especially if you are a fatass guy, and not wearing a man-bra, which if you are wearing a man-bra, gravity is the least of your concerns), your fat rolls slap together as you walk…you know what I’m talking about. Okay, yeah. Gravity keeps everything from floating off into space, but do you think I care about that? No. I’m so fat, I wouldn’t float away anyways! Adios, all you skinny bitches! Maybe if you would have eaten more than a raisin and a saltine for dinner, you’d still be here! But ahhh…back to reality.
So kids growing up fat these days, they have a hard time. In general, I think it’s safe to say that kids are assholes. On this, you have to agree with me. Every day in the news, there are more and more stories of bullying getting out of hand. Kids are even bullying adults now, and don’t you think for a second I didn’t backhand that little punk who called me “Fatass” as I walked by. Okay, maybe I didn’t. But I wanted to. What I think kids need to realize, is that sooner than later, there will be more fat kids than skinny. And what is that skinny punk who just called that kid “Wide Load” gonna do when the kid’s ten fat friends are sitting on his face? Nothing, that’s what. So here’s a tip to all you little skinny asses out there who get their kicks by yelling out insults: Our day will come, so you better watch your back…before we sit on it.
So yeah, that’s all for now. A few little insights, some eye openers, a funny anecdote or two…you get the picture. So join me again next time. I think we will discuss man-boobs. Sounds exciting right?! Fatasses and Skinny Bitches alike, I hope to see you then!