Now look around your house at all of your furniture and make a mental checklist of all the pieces that you plant your fat (or skinny) ass in on a daily basis. Couch, loveseat, recliner, desk chair, dining chair, toilet seat, bed, folding chair, foldable camping chair, etc. Yeah. Now we’ll make a list of how many of those things my fat ass has broken. Couch, recliner, desk chair (x2), dining chair (x2), foldable camping chair (x3), toilet seat (x3), folding chair, and finally, bed (x3). Uh, yeah. So my fat ass has broken pretty much any piece of furniture you can throw at it. And trust me, having your folding chair buckle and break, spilling you into the floor like some repulsive puddle of fat during a wedding ceremony is not a fun experience. Neither is breaking the toilet seat at your in-law’s house. Twice. In one week.
I have learned a trick or two in the past for bypassing the expense part, but I’ve found it only works on those foldable camping chairs, and it only works at Walmart. What you do is, after having squeezed your fat ass into the moaning, groaning chair at that benefit concert that your wife dragged you to, then, after it suddenly pops loudly and spills you out onto your back, your feet waving in the air like some deranged synchronized swimmer, you, first: wave off all the excited concert goers that have rushed over to help you. Second: you drag your fat ass up off the ground without flashing your huge, flabby stomach and wonderfully unappealing butt crack to every single person within a 100 foot radius. And third: You pack up your now-broken chair, drive to Walmart, buy a new identical chair, then bring in the broken one with the receipt from the new one and return it. Like I said, this only works at Walmart. Those guys are really stupid, and don’t look at anything. Just tell them the chair was broken, and they will nod their head, throw the broken chair in a basket behind them, and hand you a fistful of cash. Don’t believe me? Just look at their “Rollback” prices…I mean, really? And people, heed my warning! DO NOT DO THIS AT TARGET! They are NOT stupid there.
Those Target people are freakin’ return Nazis. If you try to pull this scam at Target, you will be arrested, tried for manslaughter, and sentenced to death. Well, that is pretty much what happens ANY time you try to return something to Target, but I digress.
So anyways, whenever you go to buy new furniture, it’s always important to test it out. Sit on that couch and bounce around on it a bit. If it creaks, or Heaven forbid, breaks under the weight of your mountain of fat, it’s probably a good idea to rule that one out. What I love is when you go look at furniture that is supposedly made for fatasses, and the weight limit is like, 350lbs. I mean, seriously? I’m gonna pay 500 bucks for a desk chair that is supposedly “Big and Tall”, and is catered to fatties, and it only goes to 350? My left leg weighs that much! Not to mention that almost ANY of the other chairs will hold 350lbs, and the will cost me $250 less. I may be a fatass, but Mama didn’t raise no fool. I think I’ll take my chance with a regular chair, thanks.
Another important thing to look at is girth. When choosing a chair, it’s always good to look at chairs with no arms. This includes dining chairs, office chairs, desk chairs, etc. Chairs are generally not made for people with an ass 600 inches across, hence the reason I have nick-named chairs with arms “Fat people torture chairs”. Because that is exactly what they are. I mean, there is nothing like trying to wedge yourself into a chair, then having the arms dig into your thighs or kidneys, leaving you bruised and bloodied after your are cut out of it with a power saw minutes later.