Hey guys! What’s up? Happy Sunday to you! So, first, some exciting news: This post, you know, the one you are reading right this very minute, is post number 50! I can’t believe I’ve written for 50 days! It sure doesn’t feel like it. So, with that said, let’s get right into it.
As some of you might know, recently, my wife and I bought a new car. I had a Trailblazer, which I loved, but I drive a lot for my job, plus we live out in the middle of nowhere, so driving a car that required two fill-ups a week seemed to not be such a smart idea. After a bit of discussion, we decided to go in search of the perfect car, one that was gas efficient, comfortable, and most importantly, could fit our fat asses.
Now, for most people, buying a new car is a relatively simple process. You go out, pick a car you want, test drive it, haggle over the price, then buy the thing. For a fatass, the process is a little more difficult. Like I said, this go around, the wife and I decided to buy an actual car, instead of an SUV. In general, I think fatasses should stick to SUV’s. I mean, they are higher off the ground, which means that instead of working against gravity to pull your fat butt out of the car, you can just kinda roll out, letting the properties of physics work their magic. They have more space, which is a must have for any person who can’t look straight down and see their toes, or who happen to be taller than average. Plus, they’re big. Trust me, when you’re the size of a baby elephant, anything that will make you look smaller is a definite plus. But sometimes, sadly, the economy fails faster than a flimsy foldout chair under my 400lb. ass, gas prices shoot through the roof, and instead of sitting comfortably like I had planned, I am thrown to the cold, hard ground of reality, wondering how best to recover. On the bright side, the ailing economy also offered us the ability to get a really low-interest loan, so there’s that, I guess.
After searching the internet for a while, I had decided that I definitely wanted to look at the Nissan Altima. It was a sleek looking car, looked pretty roomy online, and the price wasn’t horrendously high. My wife wanted us to look at a Honda, as she drives a Honda CRV and is now a Honda die-hard if ever there was one. The thing is, I was a little hesitant when it came to getting a Honda. You see, her car, the CRV is an “SUV”. I put it in quotation marks because an SUV it definitely is not. A compact SUV, maybe, but jeez. Now, as we know, I am about 6’2”, and I have a jelly belly that would put old Saint Nick to shame. Me and this CRV just don’t get along. Crystal, (my wife), drives most of the time when we are together because she is prone to carsickness, which is fine with me because I don’t really like to drive. But riding in her car is never a good experience. When I sit in the passenger’s seat, my knees are so smashed into the dash it’s like they are trying to meld with the car and I have to lay my seat back so far just to sit comfortably that it looks like I’m always trying to take a nap while she’s driving. When I do get to drive, good Lord, it’s even worse. Again, I have to lay the seat back, but the steering wheel still touches the tops of both of my thighs and if we got in an accident, not only would the wheel smash my manhood into oblivion, the airbag would push through my chest so hard that my manboobs would end up in the back seat. And speaking of the back seat, I don’t even go there because, #1: I couldn’t buckle the seat belts back there if I had a gun to my head, and #2: I wouldn’t need a seat belt anyways because my legs would be so wedged into the seat in front of me that I wouldn’t be going anywhere in an accident. I guess you can’t judge every car a company makes with your experience of just one, but I figured that if I couldn’t even fit comfortably into an SUV made by Honda, there was NO way I would possibly fit into one of their cars.
So on our first few days of car-shopping, we browsed a bunch of different lots, looking at all kinds of cars. Like I said, with fat people, car shopping gets a little more complicated. We had to find a car where I would be comfortable in the driver’s seat, the passenger’s seat, and the back seat. I needed to be able to buckle the seat belts in all of the above, plus, since we will probably be having kids before too long, we needed to be able to fit a rear-facing car seat behind me in whichever seat I was sitting in. I also needed to be able to have an adult sit behind me in whichever seat I was in. Plus, I didn’t need to have the top of my head smashed into the ceiling in any of the seats in which I was required to sit. Quite a few requirements, and trust me, it’s hilarious to see the look of distress in a salesman’s eyes when you rattle of this list of requirements. You know that inside, they are sighing and thinking, “Great…another customer from Hell…” We test-drove a Hyundai Sonata (ok, but a little tight in all areas), a Toyota Camry (I liked it but my wife didn’t), and we also looked at a Dodge Charger. Now, this was a car! The inside was huge, the car was freakin’ amazing, and this particular one had a really good price…then, we saw how many mpg’s it got. It was no better than my Trailblazer, so after telling myself that it would be stupid to trade one gas hog for another, we drove to the next lot to see what they had to offer.
Here, I finally got to see a Nissan Altima. They had a really great black one with a super nice leather interior, and I got really excited, thinking we had found our next car. So, before I could even get in to test drive the thing, I had to look and see how I could maneuver my way into the car without hitting the car next to us with the door. I mean, have you seen how close together they park those things? I almost laughed when the guy was like, “Yeah, get on in and see if you like it!”, because I was trying to debate whether I should ask him to move it first or just suck in my stomach and hope for the best. I decided on option #2, wrapping my hand around the edge of the door where it came in contact with the car next to us. Well, it was a waste of time, to say the least. After contorting like some kind of circus performer to try to get in, I didn’t even need to test drive it or sit in any other seats to see if it would work. It was another case of groin-mashing steering wheel, and I did my best to get out of the car without either ruining the paint-job on the car next to us or flashing my ass crack to everyone in the lot. So, after being failed by the car that I loved, I finally gave into Crystal and decided it was time to check out a Honda.
The salesman took us over to the section that had all of the shiny new Civics and Accords, and I had to admit, they were nice. Since the Civics were cheaper, we made the salesman start there, and I climbed into one, actually pleasantly surprised by the roominess in the driver’s side. We test drove the car, and both Crystal and I really liked it, not to mention it got about a bajillion miles per gallon, but we had a slight problem…there was no way in Hell that we would get a rear-facing car seat, much less another adult human being in the back seat behind us. So, we climbed out of the Civic, and walked over to the Accords. Now, the Accord is a nice car, but they are definitely a little pricey. Truly, though, after climbing into the Accord and test driving it, I didn’t care. THIS was the car. I had plenty of room in all of the seats, had no problem with any of the seat belts, there was tons of room in the back, and the ceiling of the car was a good 6 inches above my head! I don’t know how Honda makes a car that is bigger than its SUV, but somehow, the Accord is just that, not to mention that I get between 350-400 miles per tank of gas, which is more than double what I got in the Trailblazer.
So yeah, my wife was right (as usual), and we got a 2011 Honda Accord. It was a bit more money than we wanted to spend, but in the end, comfort won out. I have only two complaints with this car; #1: the part of the seat belt where it buckles digs into my love handle when I’m driving, and #2: my shirt ALWAYS sticks to the seat, so I am constantly showing my ass to the world whenever I get out of the car, but hey, if those are the worst things about it, then I guess that’s alright.