Thought of the day–8/21/2012 Tuesday Rant

Hey guys!  So, it’s rant day!  You guys know I love a good rant!  So what will we talk about today?  Hmmm…Well, for a change, I think that today, I want to rant about myself.  Kind of odd, huh?  Well, obviously, since I started this blog, I’ve been thinking about the issues that overweight people face regularly.  All day, I notice fat people, what they are doing, how they are acting, and how they are being treated.  My mind is always searching for my next topic.  As my regular readers also know, I’m also trying to lose weight.  The fact is, I DO think that overweight people need to be treated just like everyone else.  Some people choose to be fat, some have medical issues and don’t.  Either way, it shouldn’t matter.  Why are you gonna hate a person you don’t even know just due to some stereotype that you have about their body type?  Not every fat person spends the day downing doughnuts.  Not every fat person stinks.  Not every fat person lacks self-control.  Not to mention, you can’t know if that fat person is working to lose weight.  Just because they are in a restaurant doesn’t mean that they aren’t on a diet.  I mean, right now, I’m on a serious diet.  My daily meals go something like this:

Breakfast: 1 egg + 2 egg white omelet with diced ham, onions, green pepper, mushrooms, and a sprinkle of shredded cheese, along with 1 or 2 pieces of wheat toast.

Lunch:  Mixed lettuce salad with 1-2 servings of lite Ranch dressing, also a bowl of assorted fresh fruits including watermelon, apple slices, pears, grapes, and clementines.

Snack:  Assorted fresh fruits

Dinner:  A weight watchers recipe, something like a ham and turkey wrap with baked fries, or maybe oven baked chicken with vegetables.

But you know what?  I DO eat out sometimes, AND, I’m still fat, at least for now.  Yeah, I’m losing weight, but I’m still fat and judged right now.  But anyways, that is not why I’m ranting right.  I’m ranting because of the fact that I tend to believe that everyone is judging me, whether they are or not.  I go to a restaurant and I can’t help but imagine the things that people may or may not be thinking about me.  Are they thinking I’m disgusting because I asked for a table because I can’t comfortably sit in their booths?  Are they laughing at me because I ordered a diet soda or because I got steamed broccoli as a side with my burger?  Are they thinking, “Why do you even try, you disgusting blob?”  Truthfully, I doubt it, but I can’t help always feeling self conscious.  I go to the gym and wonder if people are judging me.  I go walking at the park and have to move over for someone jogging past me and wonder if they are thinking, “I wish this fatass would just go home and eat some twinkies and get out of my way!”  A few weeks ago, my wife and I were driving to my grandma’s house and stopped to get some food on the way.  We decided to eat in the car while driving in order to save time.  While stopped at a stoplight, I began eating some of my fries and looked over at the guy next to me. He was laughing, and got the attention of the passenger, who then turned to look at me and also started laughing.  Were those people judging me?  Were they laughing because the fatass in the car next to them was chowing down on some fries?  Or did they just think it was funny to see someone eating in the car?  I don’t know, but the paranoia comes from being judged my whole life.  I mean, I’ve been walking down the road, minding my own business, only to have someone yell “Fatass!” out the window at me.  I’ve been sitting outside at a restaurant eating dinner, and had someone drive by and do the same.  I mean, yeah, maybe I’m crazy and paranoid, but at least you can see where I’m coming from.  I guess I just need to realize that all of these things don’t matter.  Truthfully, I shouldn’t care what you think.  All that should matter is that I’m doing what I can to be healthy, whether I am fat or not.  And it does, but it doesn’t make the feelings of paranoia disappear.  I guess as a species, we are ingrained to find approval in others.  We are social beings.  We like knowing that others like who we are.  I guess I need to remember that really, I only need to worry about liking myself.  If others don’t like me because I’m fat, that’s perfectly fine.  If you are so shallow that you make a judgement about someone only due to their appearance, then I really don’t want to waste my time getting to know you anyways. 

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