Monthly Archives: October 2012

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #’s 9 and 10

What’s up, peeps?  Firstly, let me say “Happy Halloween!”  This is one of my favorite holidays, and no, it’s not because I get to walk the streets and steal candy from a bunch of unsuspecting little kids.  That’s just a bonus.  It’s getting to eat all that candy that makes it so great!  No, but really, I’m a scary movie freak, I love wearing a costume (even if I can never get the ones I want in my size), and I’m pretty great at carving a pumpkin, even though I don’t do it anymore now that we live in the middle of nowhere with no one to see them but the coyotes.  Anyways, today I have TWO “Fat People Shouldn’t’s” for you…call it your virtual Halloween “treat”.  Hope you enjoy!

 

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #9

Using your oversized belly as a costume?  I don’t think so!  That is totally cheating!  If I can shell out 70 bucks on my costume, you sure as hell can fork over a couple of bucks for one of your own.  Of course, the guy apparently can’t afford pants either, so what should I expect?

 

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #10

 

Halloween has become a time for all people to squeeze their asses into the smallest, skimpiest costume they can find.  Therefore, I find nothing wrong with this picture except for the cheap abs outline/makeup.  I mean, come on!  Black sharpie?  With his skin tone, he totally should’ve gone with brown!  TACKY!

 

So there you go people!  Happy Halloween!  And as a super special treat for you, I guess I’ll show you my costume for this year…

 

 

Tricked Ya!  Happy Halloween, guys! 🙂

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Fat Guys Can’t Buy Pumpkins

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You wanna put a camera WHERE?!

Hey guys!  As you probably noticed, I didn’t post any last week.  Now, part of this was just because I’m a slacker, but not all.  For those of you who actually know me, you already know that I underwent a surgical procedure last week, and this is the main reason that I was a slacker.  Good enough excuse, right?  So, if you wanna know more about it, keep reading…Let me enlighten you.

So, over the past few years, I’ve had a problem with repeated Urinary Tract Infections.  Apparently, men are never really supposed to get these, mainly due to the anatomy.  A few weeks ago, I realized that I was feeling symptoms of yet another UTI coming on, mainly back pain and also pain while I was using the bathroom.  Well, after noticing that there was some blood in my urine, I decided a trip to the doctor was needed.  So, I went to an urgent care clinic, who then directed me to an actual doctor.  They took urine samples, tested for bacteria (I was positive, meaning I DID actually have a UTI), referred me to a urologist, and then prescribed antibiotics.  So, Monday of last week, I finally had my urologist appointment.  I spent the morning in the doctor’s office who ordered a CAT scan.  Now, generally, this wouldn’t be a problem.  I would run to the office next door, get the scan, and I would be back in within minutes.  But no…I’m me, I’m fat, and you know what that means!  After going next door, I was told that I exceeded the 350lb weight limit of their machine, so I was redirected across town to a clinic that had a machine with a higher weight limit.  Hours and hours later, I had finally received my scan.  Luckily, my kidneys (which were the reason for the scan) were clean, functioning properly, and had no stones, so the next step was to schedule procedure called a Cystoscopy.  This is a procedure where they stick long flexible tube with a video camera up your urethra (aka penis), in order to see if there are any narrow places causing problems, which they would go ahead and fix.  Luckily, I had a great doctor, and he scheduled it for Wednesday, only two days later.  So, I spent Tuesday getting lab work done, and answering the same questions over and over.  Do I have liver, kidney, or heart problems?  No.  Do I have cancer?  No.  Diabetes?  No.  Well, apparently, no one would believe that I didn’t have diabetes.  I was asked at least 15 times over the next 24 hours whether I had diabetes, because you know, you can’t be fat and healthy.  I guess it wasn’t possible for me to have a healthy blood pressure, pulse rate, and no diabetes, even though it was clearly in front of their faces.  But whatever…

During the day on Tuesday, I talked to multiple people, and was asked by a nurse in the surgery center what my height and weight was.  I told her and almost laughed when she responded, “…..Oh.  Well, we are probably going to need you to come in.”  I guess because of my weight, they wanted to get a look at me before the procedure, mainly for the anesthesiologist, so she could get a feel for how much she needed to give me.  So I went in, let her listen to my breathing, look in my throat, and declare me ready to go.

Fast forward to Wednesday…I had to be back in the surgery center at 9:30am.  So, after arriving, I had to change into my wonderful gown, which, as you can guess, didn’t go well.  I got the gown on, but my larger-than-average butt was left uncovered, so I decided to pull a superman and wear a second gown like a cape.  Thankfully, it worked.  I was then told to lay on a table, and was again listened to and checked over by the anesthesiologist.  After being checked over, my nurse decided that my stomach was smothering me and sat me up, even though I told her I was comfortable and would prefer to lay down.  She said she wanted to sit me up so that “my belly won’t bother me”.  Whatever.

Anyways, after all that, I had the procedure, which found that I had two narrow places in my urethra, which they went ahead and fixed.  It felt like I was peeing glass for the first few days, but afterwards, all was well.

So, the lesson for today?  Apparently, fat people are unable to be healthy, without disease, and can’t lay down without being smothered by their giant bellies and man-boobs.  Sucks to be fat right?

My wonderful wife, Crystal, who kept me company up until my procedure and took great care of me afterwards!

Me, before the procedure showing off my IV “bling”.

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“Fat People Shouldn’t” #8

Hey guys!  Time for this week’s “Fat People Problems”!  Sticking to what I said last week, today’s “Fat People Shouldn’t” is Halloween themed, so without further ado, here ya go!

 

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #8

There is nothing wrong with dressing like your favorite celeb on Halloween, but if you can’t find a costume in anything bigger than a child’s medium when you are an adult xxxxl, I recommend you try something else.  Some people may find the chest hair sexy, but when the v-neck is pointing down towards what I can only describe as a camel toe from Hell, it might be time to re-think some things.

 

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Fat Guys and Camping Chairs

Hey guys!  So, here’s a new comic for you.  I have experienced this situation about a bajillion times in my adult life, not only with camping chairs, but also with desk chairs, metal folding chairs, and well, just about any chair you could name.  You guys have any stories to share?  Let me know!

 

'Fat Guys and Camping Chairs'

 

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Fat People Problems #35

 

Feel free to repost these anywhere, guys, but try to link them back to here if you can!

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Fat People Problems #34

 

Feel free to repost these anywhere, guys, but try to link them back to here if you can!

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Fat People Problems #33

 

Feel free to repost these anywhere, guys, but try to link them back to here if you can!

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Fat People Problems #32

 

Feel free to repost these anywhere, guys, but try to link them back to here if you can!

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Fat People Problems #31

 

Feel free to repost these anywhere, guys, but try to link them back to here if you can!

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