Monthly Archives: November 2012

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #13

Hey guys!  Time for your weekly dose of “Fat People Shouldn’t”!!!! Let’s all get up and cheer right?!  Not to mention, it’s lucky 13!  Yeah!

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #13

Fat people shouldn’t decide on a random Wednesday that they need to go shopping when it’s actually laundry day.  I mean, some people may be able to pull off the whole “let me just stuff these perky bitches in my pants” thing…okay wait…no.  No one can.  Because if you can stuff those “perky” bitches in your pants, they most DEFINITELY aren’t perky.  Let’s leave your delusions at home, where apparently, you left the rest of your outfit.

 

 

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We victual all kinds of peerless outcropping…What the hell?

Hey guys!!! Today, my post is gonna be short, and not really related to anything, but I had something that kinda made me laugh, and I just wanted to share it with you.  You see, behind the scenes of this blog, a lot goes on.  I have all kinds of statistics that I see, I have plugins that make the site run, and I also have a place where all of your comments are sent for me to read and approve before they are posted.  Now, in the past month or so, the amount of spam comments that I have been recieving has gone through the roof.  I am getting somewhere in the range of 5-10 spam comments a day, and for about the past week or so, most of them have been coming from the same person (or bot, or whatever the hell sends spam comments).  Anyways, they have been cracking me up, so I wanted to share a few with you.  Here goes:

We victual all kinds of dear quality  s that go about a find in a variety of styles,wedding dresses discount bridesmaid dresses fashion dresses cheap wedding dressescolors and sizes at wholesale price.All  are cheaply with up to the minute styles compound apparels including draughtsman wedding dress, seaside wedding dresses, marriage gowns, bridesmaids dresses, prom outfits, bloom girl dresses & mother dresses.Even we can stock the services of loose area customization and loose together with measure Snitch on affordable astounding compounding dresses minute!satisfaction in avid shopping, put on one’s sunday best clothes perfectly for the tremendous wedding with the facilitate of G-marry bridal.

And here’s another from a different account, but obviously the same spammer:

We victual all kinds of peerless outcropping  s that reproduce there a descry in a inconsistency of styles, colors and sizes at wholesale price.All cheap wedding dresses prom dress 2013 prom dresses are second-rate with clothes-horse styles associating apparels including artist combining put on some speed someone mental a uncover, seaside connection dresses, conjugal gowns, bridesmaids dresses, prom outfits, bourgeon gal dresses & nourisher dresses.Even we can put in order the services of free vastness customization and in disarray counting up width Snitch on affordable particular joining dresses now!buoyancy in bright shopping, accouter marvellously in the interest of the whacking giant nuptials with the placate of Oyeahbridal.

And one more from them:

We victual all kinds of high-frequency quiddity  s that arrive in a diversification of styles, colors and sizes at wholesale price.All cheap wedding dresses prom dresses plus size wedding dresses are second-rate with up to the notes styles associating apparels including originator commingle dress, bank coalescence dresses, connubial gowns, bridesmaids dresses, prom outfits, cream frail dresses & nourisher dresses.Even we can fit the services of at in general largeness customization and disclose go together with theory Look on affordable odd marriage dresses teeny!empty away put into practice of avid shopping, ensemble marvellously respecting the whacking illustrious mixing function with the expropriate of Oyeahbridal.

Okay, so, if you read ANY of those three comments, you can see why I couldn’t help but laugh.  I mean, what the hell?!  Did they run some kind of crazy made-up language through an English translater and then hope for the best?  I mean, look at some of those words…Victual, quiddity, commingle, coalescence…I don’t even know if those are real words!  Come on now people…If you are gonna spam me, at least do it like this next example:

I never thought I would agree with this opinion, but I’m starting to see things differently.

Or maybe this one:

I used to be very pleased to search out this net-site.I needed to thanks to your time for this glorious learn!! I positively having fun with every little bit of it and I’ve you bookmarked to take a look at new stuff you blog post.

Another bad translation job, but hey, I’ll take a compliment where I can get one.  And you may wonder if those last two were actually spam…yeah, they are.  The way comments like that work is that the person puts a nice comment along with a link to their site in their signature, then hopes that someone will click it.  I just don’t know why people are bothering with MY site.  I mean, I get like 450 views a month.  That is nothing.  I’m sure there are plenty of others out there with more views a heck of a lot more worthy than me.  But, whatever.  Anyways, guess that’s all for today.  Just wanted to share those with you, and hope you get a laugh like I did.  See you guys tomorrow!

Categories: TOTD, Various | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What You See And What You Get #2

Hey out there, all you amazing peoples!  Today, you’re in for a treat (or maybe not?), as I bring you the second installment of “What You See And What You Get”!  For today, I want to show you something special, a new concoction brought to you by Healthy Choice.  Now, this stuff, it’s not your average microwave skinny meal.  Hellllls no.  It’s top of the line, as in Top Chef AND Cafe Steamers.  So, what they are telling you with this packaging:  “You’re about to have an orgasm in your mouth, that’s how good this shit is!”.  And you have to admit, looking at the box, it DOES look pretty damn awesome.

 

Now, you open the box, and you have some kind of cheap-ass bowl all covered in clear plastic, with a smaller vented bowl inside separating the pasta and junk from the sauce.  You’re supposed to just throw it in the microwave, let it steam, then pour the pasta and stuff from the smaller bowl into the sauce, stir, eat, and enjoy.  Well, it DID work out that way, all except for the whole “enjoy” part.  You see, when I poured the ingredients of the smaller bowl into the now-melted sauce of the larger one, I didn’t have “Parmesan Pasta with Rosemary Chicken” so much as “bunch-of-yellow-shit-in-a-bowl soup”.  I don’t know exactly what happened, but somewhere along the way, my “sauce” morphed into some sort of watered-down brew, and overall, I’d say the taste was similar to red roasted pepper and corn turds.  Yeah.  So, I have to say, I won’t be buying this one again, and I don’t recommend it to you either.  Did I eat it?  Uh, duh.  Of course I ate it.  I’m a fatass.  Should you eat it?  Hell to the no.  Better luck next time, you “top” chefs.

Categories: What You See and What You Get | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My man-boobs saved my life?!

Hey guys!  It’s been an exciting day!  And not exciting in a good way.  I almost died!!!!  This morning, on my way to work, I was just driving along, minding my own business, being awesome (like usual), and suddenly, I was pushing a smoking airbag out of my face, choking on powder, and wandering around my smashed up car like some dazed-out crackhead.  After walking around in circles like a zombie, I was advised by some people that I should probably sit back down in my car, (which I didn’t want to do, as the airbag was still pouring smoke out of it), but I did.  Minutes later, 2 cops, 2 firetrucks, and an ambulance arrived, and as the other driver was up walking around admitting to everyone that the accident was her fault (which it was, but it was really nice of her to admit it), I realized all of those were there for me.  And I was really embarrassed.  I mean, I was fine.  Yeah, I had some pain on my right side, but definitely not ambulance pain.  I was advised to go to the hospital, which again, I didn’t want to do, but after my wife showed up, it became less of an option and more like I was going whether I wanted to or not.  Anyways, after all of this, you may be asking yourself, “How, Nick, did your man-boobs save your life, and what does that have to do with a car accident you had this morning?”  Well, let me explain to you…After getting to the hospital, getting naked (upon request, which doesn’t happen much, let me tell you!), and looking in the mirror, I noticed that my right boobie was black, blue, and purple, and I realized, it had possibly saved my life!  I meean, if it hadn’t been for my boob taking most of the impact, what would have happend?  My ribs would’ve taken it!  Would they have been broken?  Pierced my lungs?  My spleen?  My HEART?!  Possibly.  You just never know.  And in that way, my man-boobs saved my life.  And think about it:  Say a fatty gets stabbed.  They stand less of a chance of sustaining major damage than a skinny bitch.  Fatty getting shot?  Same thing.  Mauled by a bear?  The bear would have more flesh to eat, getting full and leaving before actually reaching any important internal organs!  So see?!  Being fat WILL save your life, so go out, eat a cheeseburger, and gain a pound or two!  And quit worrying about all that junk like diabetes and heart disease…I mean, you are totally MUCH more likely to be mauled by a hungry bear, and someday, YOUR man-boobs may save YOUR life!

Categories: Bigpost, TOTD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Spider-Bite Diet, My New Weight-Loss Sensation!

Hey, everybody!  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and hope equally that you all came home from Black Friday shopping un-maimed and trample-free!  Today, I want to discuss with you an interesting topic that somehow found its way to the food-filled dinner table yesterday, as odd topics will when you get a bunch of random crazies together in the same room.  While pleasantly downing a teensy tiny brownie (okay, maybe not so teensy), I overheard a story being told about a brown recluse bite that one of my wife’s uncles had received a few years ago.  Now, as those of you who know me in the real world have already been informed, my house is like some kind of spider refuge, evidenced by the never-ending streamers of web that show up in every nook and cranny of our house, not to mention the spiders generally hanging out either in them, or, in one unpleasant case, climbing up my arm as I brushed my teeth.  I’ve seen orb weavers, jumping spiders, crab spiders, cobweb spiders, and the always infamous black widows.  But the really invasive ones, the ones who decided that they would move in and start a huge family that spans from one end of our house to the other, that would be the brown recluse.  I have seen more brown recluses in my house that I have seen doughnuts and cupcakes, so you KNOW that means there must be a lot of them!  So, like any smart person, I listened in on the story (which didn’t end up being all that interesting) and came out with this little tidbit of information:  Apparently, brown recluse spiders, like every other creature on this earth, hates fatasses.  Now, what do I mean by that?  Well, let me tell you.  According to my wife’s uncle, brown recluse venom causes damage to fat faster than it does muscle.  So, if I got bitten at the same time as some gym loving, weight lifting, vegetable-obsessed, fat deprived skinny bitch, my fat, jiggly rump would rot off much faster than their firm, tight little ass.  What the hell?!  How is that shit fair?  But you know, that kinda got me to thinking…Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.  I mean, how many of us have dieted over and over and over, never able to lose our fat?  Maybe it’s time for a new strategy.  Maybe, just maybe, I should comb over my house, catch all 549,374,750,983,509,834,509,883,095,340,598 brown recluses that are living in it, pour them in the bathtub, then jump in with them.  I’ll sustain about a bajillion bites, and all the fat on my body will suddenly melt away.  Who could ask for more?  I mean, yeah, I’ll be horribly disfigured, but you know what?  People are WAY more accepting of someone who is maimed than someone who is fat.  At least if your face looks like someone tried to massage it with a concrete block, people tend not to blame it on the fact that you’re just a lazy asshole who doesn’t want to be any different.  Yeah, I’ll get stared at when my eyeballs start oozing down my blackened, necrotic cheeks, but hey, I won’t be able to see, so I won’t give two shits.  So, if you wanna lose a bunch of weight really fast, and you don’t care if random fingers, toes, and chunks of flesh fall off randomly while you’re walking, grab a jar, a towel, and come join me in my bathtub!  We’re in for a frighteningly good time!

Categories: Bigpost, TOTD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Turkey, dressing, potatoes, carrots, green beans, corn, biscuits, and more?! Yes, please!

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“Fat People Shouldn’t” #12

Hey guys!  Another day, another “Fat People Shouldn’t”!  Yay!  Lucky you, right?!

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #12

 

Fat people shouldn’t cram up in a jacuzzi like sardines in a can, no matter how comfortable they are with their bodies.  There is just no excuse for the amount of flesh outweighing the amount of water, and at some point, people are gonna start sinking in fat rolls like it’s quicksand.

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Hide The Fatties!!!!!!!

Hey guys!  What’s up?  Got an interesting observation to share with you guys today, and I just wanted to see if anyone else has noticed anything similar.  So, this past weekend, my wife and I went clothes shopping.  Now, I don’t do this often, as clothes shopping is pretty much the bane of every fatty’s existence, but I’m going to be shooting the video at the wedding of a couple of friends on December 1st, (congrats, Justin and Alicia!), and I had to go get a new shirt and some pants, as I have no decent dress shirts and I’m about 50lbs too fat for the black dress pants that I bought a few years ago.  Ahhh…the joys of being a fatass, right?  Anyways, so we went to JCPenny first, as they have a decent Fatass section, got some pants, and then tried not to complain too much when my wife started searching for clothes.  This continued through a few more stores, (and a few more $100 dollar bills), but over the course of the day, I noticed something that all of the stores had in common.  Firstly, next time you go in a store, look around and see if you can find the Big and Tall or Plus-Size sections.  And no, I’m not complaining because they don’t actually exist, because usually they do, no matter how woeful their selection may be.  I’m talking about their location.  Location, Location, Location.  It’s important, isn’t it?  So, where is the Fatass section in most stores?  As you may have guessed, it is generally located in some far-off, obscure corner of the store, miles from anything you may ever want or need.  After thinking it over, I’ve come up with a few probable reasons for this:

1) Store designers/CEO’s/Owners/Managers/Employees/Skinny Bitches/etc. don’t want to have to be seen anywhere near the disgusting Fatasses also shopping for (tent-sized) clothes.  I mean, they might catch a terrible case of obesity and end up going home with giant love handles and chafing thighs.

2) Maybe they are afraid they will slip in a puddle of fried chicken grease or be beaten to death by a fatty who mistakes the brown sweater you’re holding up for a giant steak.  Who knows for sure?

3) It was deemed by the Store-Owners Association of America that the Fatass section should be put at the furthest possible location from any exit in order to force us fatties to get some much needed exercise.  How else could you explain the fact that by the time I found the Big and Tall section in JCPenny #2, (yeah, we went to multiple locations), everyone had a British accent and I had to exchange my American dollars to British pounds?  £400.00 for my 400lb. ass seems appropriate, right?  Nevermind the fact that I also had to walk 400 miles to get there…

Anyways, I just think it’s a load of shit.  Just because fatties aren’t deemed by society to be as pretty or desirable as skinny bitches, we are forced to shop in the sub-basement of the store like some leprous version of Michael Jackson, dropping bits of his nose here and there as he searches for giant Hawaiian print Golden Girls shirts.

So, those are my thoughts.  What do you guys think?  Have you noticed similar patterns, and if you have, how did you find your way out of the hidden cellar hole where you found appropriate clothes?  Bread crumbs?  Rope?  GPS?  Let me know!

Categories: Bigpost | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

“Fat People Problems” #50

Feel free to repost these anywhere, guys, but try to link them back to here if you can!

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“Fat People Problems” #49

Feel free to repost these anywhere, guys, but try to link them back to here if you can!

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