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“What You See And What You Get” #7

Hey peeps!  A few days ago I ate another scrum-diddly-umptius frozen meal, and you know what that means, right?  It means I have to share it with you!  Here ya go!

No, no, no!  Not like that!  Like this! —->

Being on the asian/chinese food kick that I was on, I, of course, went out and bought every single asian-style meal that I could get my hands on, and so now, long after the craving for chinese food has been satiated, I am still stuck eating this crap.  Oh well…food is food, right?  And I mean, come on!  The box itself says that it is “…positively delicious and nutritious….”!  That can’t be all bad, can it?  So how was it, you ask?  Well, let me just tell you!

 

It was a brownish pile of wormy looking, chicken chunky, steamy vegetable…deliciousness!  I have to say, of all of those “asian-inspired” frozen meals, this one, man.  This one’s a keeper!  Looking at it, it doesn’t look like much, but I have to say, cook up an extra chicken breast, chop that sucker up and add it in, and you’re good to go until dinner!  After the first asian meal of radioactive monkey balls, then the one a few weeks ago that was just so-so, it was nice to have one that was actually really good.  My recommendation, though?  If you’re eating it for dinner, cook up two.  I mean, we aren’t eating these things because we’re skinny bitches, am I right?  Us fatasses need a little sustinence, so cook up a couple, throw in a nice slice of bread or a roll, and Voila!  Dinner is served!  Enjoy!

 

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“Fat People Shouldn’t” #17

Hey guys!  So, it’s been about a bajillion years since I did a new “Fat People Shouldn’t” post, (well, actually, it’s been 24 days), so I figured that everyone’s eyes have healed enough since last time to enjoy another.  Am I right?  OF COURSE I’M RIGHT!  So here we go!

 

Now, you know that everyone likes to flaunt what they’ve got, right?  I know I do!  I mean, you’ve seen me in skin-tight camo spandex, and we all know that shit was hot.  So you know, when spring rolls into summer, it’s hot and we are all sweating, we all wanna get our sexy on with a pretty little two piece, showing off our sexy bod to all our friends.  This guy is no different!  But you know, if you’re gonna get drunk and slip into something a little sexy, you better make sure you’ve got a friend to keep an eye on those “nip slips”.  I know Tara Reid, Janet Jackson, and more recently, Nicki Minaj, have all let their junk hang out, but let’s face it, if we all start doing it, it won’t be so special when a celeb’s boob falls out on the red carpet.  So with that said, tuck that titty in, buddy!  Nice star, by the way, but if it’s a pastie, you put in the wrong place, but I guess that’s what being drunk does for you.  Call Lil Kim, she might be able to help you out!

 

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“What You See And What You Get” #4

Hey guys!  So, today I want to share with you the joy that is “What You See And What You Get”.  For this week’s post, I decided to get brave and try one of the “Asian Inspired” meals, seeing as I was totally craving some chinese and I was unable to go get it.  Now, as you probably know, going with microwavable chinese food is iffy at best, but I worked up the nerve, stocked up on the toilet paper, and went for it.

Now, this week’s dish, as you can see, was a Healthy Choice Asian Inspired Cafe Steamer.  God, that’s a long title, and that’s not even the actual freakin’ name.  It was Sweet Sesame Chicken, mixed with white rice, sugar snap peas, mushrooms, and carrots in a “Sweet and spicy sesame sauce”.  Now, I should have known what was coming when I started cooking it.  I threw the sucker in for 4 minutes and about walked out of the kitchen to check some laundry.  Yes, I do laundry.  ANYWAYS, when I came back into the kitchen, I was smacked in the face by the smell of radioactive rotting monkey ass, almost strong enough to knock me down.  I forgot that I farted right as I walked out of the kitchen, and MAN, it was a bad one!  It just lingered and lingered.  No, just kidding.  Or am I?  I’m not sure anymore.  But yeah, the smell…You know the delicious scent as you walk into your favorite Chinese buffet?  The smell of greasy egg rolls, chicken fried rice, and more foreign meats than you could ever hope to identify?  Yeah, that wasn’t quite what I got from this $3.89 box of chinese delicacy.  What I got instead was something that was pretty unidentifiable, a fungus-y, sweet-n-spicy, “do I really have to eat this crap?” kind of smell.  Then, I mustered up my nerve, and with the help of a gas mask, opened the microwave.

Now, you may be wondering why I did such a thing if the odor was noxious enough to knock me on my overly plump ass.  Well, I was hungry, and this was all I had to eat, so you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.  As the saying goes, beggers can’t be choosers.  So yeah, I opened the microwave, pulled out my meal, and this is what I found:

So yeah, it doesn’t look so bad does it?  Not nearly as pretty as on the box, but they never are.  The taste, however…man!  It was delicious!  Yeah, delicious.  Oh, no wait, sorry.  I’m still fighting off some of the side-effects of this horrifying meal, including the ability to think clearly.  It was disgusting.  Maybe not the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had.  I mean, it wasn’t like eating a pile of “Two girls, One cup” (if you don’t get this reference, then God has smiled down on you), but you know, it was pretty bad.  The mushrooms were overwhelming, the sauce was pretty terrible, and overall, on a scale of 1-10, I’d probably give it a -3.  It is definitely not something I would add to my meal selection again any time soon, and I seriously recommend that if you are craving chinese, you just haul your ass to the nearest Panda Buffet and risk food poisoning and at least 12 hours of explosive diarrhea on food that at least tastes good.

 

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“What You See And What You Get” #3

It’s time to get excited!  As it has been about 2 weeks since my last “What You See And What You Get”, here’s a new one for you guys!

Today, I tried a delightful looking Smart Ones meal, Traditional lasagna with meat sauce.  Look how cheesy and delicious it looks, the meaty sauce delicately accented with a sprig of parsley (or some other leafy shit that is unable to actually be eaten).  Looks good, right?  Hmm…well, after a 7 minute trip in the microwave, let’s see how delicious it actually turned out!

 

Hmmm…well, not quite as pretty as the picture, huh?  Kind of like a giant meatball monster took a shit on my plate.  Yeah.  But alas, after taking a bite, I have to say, I was pretty suprised.  This plate of reddish goo actually tasted really good.  I mean, yeah, I could’ve probably eaten three of these “meals” and still been hungry, but as far as taste goes, this fatass can’t complain.  So, if you’re looking for a plate of delicious that looks like a plate of shit, try the Smart Ones Traditional Lasagna with Meat Sauce!

 

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In Remembrance…

Hey guys!  It’s a sad day, and today, I want to just take a second to remember all of those killed in today’s tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conneticut and send a prayer out for the families and friends of the victims.

* Rachel Davino, 29

* Dawn Hochsprung, 47

* Anne Marie Murphy, 52

* Lauren Russeau, 20

* Mary Sherlach, 56

* Victoria Soto, 27

* Charlotte Bacon, 6

* Daniel Barden, 7

* Olivia Engel, 6

* Josephine Gay, 7

* Ana Marquez-Greene, 6

* Dylan Hockley, 6

* Madeleine Hsu, 6

* Catherine Hubbard, 6

* Chase Kowalski, 7

* Jesse Lewis, 6

* James Mattioli, 6

* Grace McDonnell, 7

* Emilie Parker, 6

* Jack Pinto, 6

* Noah Pozner, 6

* Caroline Previdi, 6

* Jessica Rekos, 6

* Avielle Richman, 6

* Benjamin Wheeler, 6

* Allison N. Wyatt, 6

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No, I’m not dead…

Hey guys!  So, as you can see, I did it again.  I haven’t posted in over a week, but I promise, I have an amazing excuse!  Well, a couple of them…first, my computer charger decided to bite the dust about a week and a half ago, and you know, it’s kinda hard to use a computer with a dead battery.  Secondly, my inlaws’ internet, (which I so gratefully mooch on a daily basis, thanks Mark and Sondra!), has also been on the fritz, and there is no way in Hell I am going to go to the library and sit on those disease infested computers to type this stuff.  Sorry…you guys are important to me, but not enough for me to get gonhorrea on my fingers after I use the same keyboard as the skanky hoe who was just checking her dating profile on eharmony while playing Farmville.  So yeah.  Anyways, everything is back in order, and hopefully everything should be straightened out now.  So rejoice!  I know you were all missing me!  Anyways, this short update is all for today, but hopefully tomorrow I will get back into the swing of things, I promise!  You guys keep checking back because I have lots of plans for new stuff, so get excited!

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Xtranormal, anyone?

What’s up amigos?  So, I have recently been introduced to this wonderful website called xtranormal, (www.xtranormal.com).  It’s this funny site where you can make your own videos using cartoon characters with robotic voices.  So, me being me, naturally, I wanted to make one related in some way to the world of Fatassdom.  So, here it is:

 

Fatass at the Doctor
by: nickntallent84

 

Now, some of you might get all offended by this video, because it seems that it makes fun of all of those with weight problems.  I admit, it does, a little.  But the thing is, fat people really DO go through this crap, not only at the doctor’s office, but everywhere.  People are constantly making fun of people with weight problems, and as far as fatties breaking things, well, that happens.  I have broken scales, chairs, I’ve kicked a hole in a bathtub, and I’m sure if I sat on a table, it would soon crash to the floor.  So yeah, you could say this movie was based on true events.  Anyways, I’m going to try to continue adding new videos and comics, and hopefully they will continue to get funnier.  And hey, if you guys have story suggestions, or well, you just wanna tell me that my stuff sucks ass, don’t hesitate to leave a comment!  See you guys next time!

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Back in Business!!!

Hey guys!  Good to be writing again!  So, as you guys can see, the blog has it’s own dedicated website now, and a totally revamped look!  There will no longer be a set schedule for posts, because, truthfully, I felt like I was a bit trapped in the schedule, but you will still see my weekly “Fat People Problems” and “Fat People Shouldn’t”, not to mention my “Sunday Big Posts”, but as far as the rest of the week goes, it’s up in the air.  I am going to try to post lots of fun stuff for you guys, and as you can see, this site is also linked to a Pinterest account, and a Tumblr blog, as well as my Twitter.  You guys can always go visit these if you get bored and need some new material, so feel free!  I’m also going to try to make cartoons and videos for you to enjoy, so hopefully it’ll all work out!  Anyways, just for now, here’s a comic that I made the other day, and look for some “Fat People Problems” coming soon!  Also, browse the new site, let me know if you encounter any problems, and check back through the old posts.  There are lots of new pictures for you to enjoy!  Thanks guys!

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