What You See and What You Get

“What You See And What You Get” #7

Hey peeps!  A few days ago I ate another scrum-diddly-umptius frozen meal, and you know what that means, right?  It means I have to share it with you!  Here ya go!

No, no, no!  Not like that!  Like this! —->

Being on the asian/chinese food kick that I was on, I, of course, went out and bought every single asian-style meal that I could get my hands on, and so now, long after the craving for chinese food has been satiated, I am still stuck eating this crap.  Oh well…food is food, right?  And I mean, come on!  The box itself says that it is “…positively delicious and nutritious….”!  That can’t be all bad, can it?  So how was it, you ask?  Well, let me just tell you!


It was a brownish pile of wormy looking, chicken chunky, steamy vegetable…deliciousness!  I have to say, of all of those “asian-inspired” frozen meals, this one, man.  This one’s a keeper!  Looking at it, it doesn’t look like much, but I have to say, cook up an extra chicken breast, chop that sucker up and add it in, and you’re good to go until dinner!  After the first asian meal of radioactive monkey balls, then the one a few weeks ago that was just so-so, it was nice to have one that was actually really good.  My recommendation, though?  If you’re eating it for dinner, cook up two.  I mean, we aren’t eating these things because we’re skinny bitches, am I right?  Us fatasses need a little sustinence, so cook up a couple, throw in a nice slice of bread or a roll, and Voila!  Dinner is served!  Enjoy!


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“What You See And What You Get” #5

Hey guys!  Firstly, let me just apologize for my lack of posts two days last week.  It was busy(ish), and I had junk to do.  I’m sure you survived, and hopefully, this week we will be back on track!  Now, enough about that!  So today, I think it is a good day for a “What You See And What You Get”, seeing as I ate something that I didn’t cook myself, so with that, here we go!

As you can see in the picture below, I decided to be brave and try yet another Asian inspired meal.  You may remember from a post a few weeks ago (see here: http://fatassinaskinnyworld.com/?p=720 ) that my last experience with an Asian inspired meal didn’t go all that well, so I was expecting yet another case of rank disgusting-ness, but actually, today I was pleasantly suprised.  While cooking, this actually smelled really good, and I was actually not dreading eating it when I pulled it out of the microwave.

So below, you can see what it actually looked like after being stired together and such.  Actually looks pretty good, right?

So yeah, it looked good.  But you know what they say about Chinese food…you’re hungry an hour later.  Now, I work until 7:00pm every night, so I couldn’t afford to be hungry all night, so I cooked another chicken breast, cut it up and added it.  What you see in the pic above is the original 2 ounces or so of chicken, but who could get full on that?  A fetus?  No, probably not.  But anyways, I stirred it all around, took a spoonful, and put it in my mouth with what I’m sure was the grimace of someone who has just seen their leg get mangled by a wild cockatoo.  Is that spelled right?  Cockatoo?  Awww…who cares.  Anyways, when was the last time you saw a wild Cockatoo?  I never have.  Except when it mangled my leg.  Oh, but wait, that didn’t happen.  YEAH…so, with a grimace, I chewed my first bite and was pleasantly suprised.  It was actually really good.  Not chinese buffet good, but for a microwave meal, a HEALTHY microwave meal, it was pretty good.  So there ya have it.  You hungry and trying not to be such a fatass but want some Chinese?  Try this meal.  It’s a pretty decent substitute!

And that’s that!  Guess I’ll see you guys tomorrow!  Have a good one, peeps!

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“What You See And What You Get” #4

Hey guys!  So, today I want to share with you the joy that is “What You See And What You Get”.  For this week’s post, I decided to get brave and try one of the “Asian Inspired” meals, seeing as I was totally craving some chinese and I was unable to go get it.  Now, as you probably know, going with microwavable chinese food is iffy at best, but I worked up the nerve, stocked up on the toilet paper, and went for it.

Now, this week’s dish, as you can see, was a Healthy Choice Asian Inspired Cafe Steamer.  God, that’s a long title, and that’s not even the actual freakin’ name.  It was Sweet Sesame Chicken, mixed with white rice, sugar snap peas, mushrooms, and carrots in a “Sweet and spicy sesame sauce”.  Now, I should have known what was coming when I started cooking it.  I threw the sucker in for 4 minutes and about walked out of the kitchen to check some laundry.  Yes, I do laundry.  ANYWAYS, when I came back into the kitchen, I was smacked in the face by the smell of radioactive rotting monkey ass, almost strong enough to knock me down.  I forgot that I farted right as I walked out of the kitchen, and MAN, it was a bad one!  It just lingered and lingered.  No, just kidding.  Or am I?  I’m not sure anymore.  But yeah, the smell…You know the delicious scent as you walk into your favorite Chinese buffet?  The smell of greasy egg rolls, chicken fried rice, and more foreign meats than you could ever hope to identify?  Yeah, that wasn’t quite what I got from this $3.89 box of chinese delicacy.  What I got instead was something that was pretty unidentifiable, a fungus-y, sweet-n-spicy, “do I really have to eat this crap?” kind of smell.  Then, I mustered up my nerve, and with the help of a gas mask, opened the microwave.

Now, you may be wondering why I did such a thing if the odor was noxious enough to knock me on my overly plump ass.  Well, I was hungry, and this was all I had to eat, so you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.  As the saying goes, beggers can’t be choosers.  So yeah, I opened the microwave, pulled out my meal, and this is what I found:

So yeah, it doesn’t look so bad does it?  Not nearly as pretty as on the box, but they never are.  The taste, however…man!  It was delicious!  Yeah, delicious.  Oh, no wait, sorry.  I’m still fighting off some of the side-effects of this horrifying meal, including the ability to think clearly.  It was disgusting.  Maybe not the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had.  I mean, it wasn’t like eating a pile of “Two girls, One cup” (if you don’t get this reference, then God has smiled down on you), but you know, it was pretty bad.  The mushrooms were overwhelming, the sauce was pretty terrible, and overall, on a scale of 1-10, I’d probably give it a -3.  It is definitely not something I would add to my meal selection again any time soon, and I seriously recommend that if you are craving chinese, you just haul your ass to the nearest Panda Buffet and risk food poisoning and at least 12 hours of explosive diarrhea on food that at least tastes good.


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“What You See And What You Get” #3

It’s time to get excited!  As it has been about 2 weeks since my last “What You See And What You Get”, here’s a new one for you guys!

Today, I tried a delightful looking Smart Ones meal, Traditional lasagna with meat sauce.  Look how cheesy and delicious it looks, the meaty sauce delicately accented with a sprig of parsley (or some other leafy shit that is unable to actually be eaten).  Looks good, right?  Hmm…well, after a 7 minute trip in the microwave, let’s see how delicious it actually turned out!


Hmmm…well, not quite as pretty as the picture, huh?  Kind of like a giant meatball monster took a shit on my plate.  Yeah.  But alas, after taking a bite, I have to say, I was pretty suprised.  This plate of reddish goo actually tasted really good.  I mean, yeah, I could’ve probably eaten three of these “meals” and still been hungry, but as far as taste goes, this fatass can’t complain.  So, if you’re looking for a plate of delicious that looks like a plate of shit, try the Smart Ones Traditional Lasagna with Meat Sauce!


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What You See And What You Get #2

Hey out there, all you amazing peoples!  Today, you’re in for a treat (or maybe not?), as I bring you the second installment of “What You See And What You Get”!  For today, I want to show you something special, a new concoction brought to you by Healthy Choice.  Now, this stuff, it’s not your average microwave skinny meal.  Hellllls no.  It’s top of the line, as in Top Chef AND Cafe Steamers.  So, what they are telling you with this packaging:  “You’re about to have an orgasm in your mouth, that’s how good this shit is!”.  And you have to admit, looking at the box, it DOES look pretty damn awesome.


Now, you open the box, and you have some kind of cheap-ass bowl all covered in clear plastic, with a smaller vented bowl inside separating the pasta and junk from the sauce.  You’re supposed to just throw it in the microwave, let it steam, then pour the pasta and stuff from the smaller bowl into the sauce, stir, eat, and enjoy.  Well, it DID work out that way, all except for the whole “enjoy” part.  You see, when I poured the ingredients of the smaller bowl into the now-melted sauce of the larger one, I didn’t have “Parmesan Pasta with Rosemary Chicken” so much as “bunch-of-yellow-shit-in-a-bowl soup”.  I don’t know exactly what happened, but somewhere along the way, my “sauce” morphed into some sort of watered-down brew, and overall, I’d say the taste was similar to red roasted pepper and corn turds.  Yeah.  So, I have to say, I won’t be buying this one again, and I don’t recommend it to you either.  Did I eat it?  Uh, duh.  Of course I ate it.  I’m a fatass.  Should you eat it?  Hell to the no.  Better luck next time, you “top” chefs.

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What You See And What You Get #1

Hey guys!  So today, I’m going to start a new segment called “What You See And What You Get”.  We live in a world of advertising, and as you know, in those ads, everything is picture perfect.  The family is always some beautiful couple raising some beautiful kids in their perfect house with their well behaved dog, cat, and hamster.  We all know that is not how it is, so I have to wonder sometimes why that became what we strive for.  If I saw some perfect family like those in the ads, A) I would think they were freaks, and B) I would hate them and probably throw rocks and assorted rotten lettuces at them.  Yes, we should all strive to be the best we can be (I mean, plastic surgeons aren’t rich for nothing) but to have a life of utter perfection, it’s just not normal.  Now, that being said, it doesn’t mean that just because you know that the item that the ad is selling won’t be perfect, that it’s ok for it to be a steaming pile of shit.  And that is the problem at hand, because it usually is.  I mean, when was the last time you got a pizza or a burger, or anything, for that matter, that even remotely resembled what was in the ad?  Probably never, and if you did get something that looked like the ad, you’d better not eat it, because I can guarantee that shit isn’t real food.  So, for now, we are going to start off with food items that I’ve had the (dis)pleasure of taste testing for you lovely peoples, and maybe eventually, we will move onto bigger and better things.  For now, though, here was my lunch for today:

Now, doesn’t that look delicious?  A crisp crust, cheesy, perfectly seasoned…And look, they are even serving it on a fancy wooden block.  Man, a fatass like me could just eat that shit up.  But alas, that delicious pizza in the picture only exists in a perfect world, and we DEFINITELY don’t live there.  So, I pulled out my pizza, threw it in the microwave for 3.5 minutes according to the directions and I pulled out….This:

Hmmm…not quite what’s on the box, is it?  I must say, even though I eat these things all the time, it’s always a little bit of a letdown when I pull it out of the microwave.  I mean, I’m expecting little Italy on a pizza stone, and instead I get pile of burnt crap on a Dixie plate.  And the crispy, stone-fired crust?  Well, if stone-fired means hard as a rock and so chewy it makes my jaw pop with each and every unsatisfying bite, then it’s right on!  But hey, I’m trying to watch my fatass figure and keep from going from “Man, he’s fat” territory to “DAMN!  Look at that hippo over there” terrain.  And you know, with such lofty goals, some sacrifices must be made.  So, with that being said, I’m going to sacrifice my delicious pizza to the trash can and call Pizza Hut.  A super supreme stuffed crust with an order of cheese sticks sounds great.  Now, where’s my phone?


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