Posts Tagged With: clothes

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #16

Glad to see you guys have come back to join me today!  And do you know what today is?  It’s “Fat People Shouldn’t” day!!!! Come on, you know you’re excited!  So what fashion faux-pas do I have for you today?  Read on to find out!

 

Now, I think people should be able to wear pretty much whatever they want.  Okay, no I don’t.  But as long as you look relatively decent, I won’t spare a second glance at you.  The thing is, so so SO many people choose to walk out into the light of day wearing who knows what, and here is another example.  So you’re a farmer and you’re proud of it.  You also have plenty of confidence.  Fine.  But come on, let’s not go overboard here.  I know that back in the early 2000’s overalls came back into style for 2 or 3 seconds, but seriously, unless you’re Justin Timberlake circa 2001, let’s leave those suckers folded in the drawer and for God’s sake, let’s put on a shirt, shall we?

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“Fat People Shouldn’t” #15

Hey guys!  So, there was no “Fat People Shouldn’t” last week, so for those of you wondering where it is, here ya go!

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #15

Fat people shouldn’t leave the house like this.  Yeah, you may be comfortable with your body, which is all well and good, and I applaud you for that, but really, to walk out of the house like that…I mean, I have a razor you guys can borrow.  We all know you should NOT be going out in public without a little man-scaping.  COME ON GUYS!  Nice bathing suits, by the way…can I get one in blue?

 

 

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Uh, yeah…

So, today, I was maybe gonna post a “What you see and what you get”, but I was on Pinterest and saw a post for something on Buzzfeed, headed on over there, and BAM!  Like magic, all thoughts disappeared and I was sucked into the void that Buzzfeed is.  So, I pulled a bunch of stuff that I laughed at off of there and I’m gonna post it all right here for you!  So sit back, relax, and hopefully, laugh!  (all photos are from www.buzzfeed.com!)

 

#1:  Now, I don’t like to make fun of people.  No wait, scratch that.  I like to make fun of EVERYBODY, but I like to make fun of them equally.  I make fun of you, of her, of him, and most importantly, of myself.  Some people may get the impression that I like to make fun of fat people because I do the “Fat People Shouldn’t” and I guess it may come across as making fun of them.  The thing is, I’m fat, so I feel like I can.  I’m not skinny, so I’m not gonna just make fun of skinny people and then get a bunch of flak about how I just hate skinny bitches because I’m jealous, lazy, blah, blah, etc.  Maybe I should just do a “People Shouldn’t”  and put pictures of fat people, skinny people, ugly people, panda bears,  unicorns, and the occasional building, but you know, how would it fit my theme of “Fatass in a skinny world” then?  It wouldn’t, so shut yo mouth!  ANYWAYS…good God, did I just rant that much when i was supposed to be captioning this picture?  Yeah, sorry.  So yeah, the real #1:

You KNOW there’s a problem when you have to pull up a chair in the Burger King line.  I know that the “Have it your way” slogan make for some tediously long waits sometimes, but seriously?  Lady, I hope you have a wooden leg and you’re sitting because it’s digging into your stump of a thigh, because I see no other reason this sort of behavior.

 

 

 

#2:  I wish I had an 8×10 of this picture, because it would be hanging in my office.  The look on this lady’s face literally made me lol.  Yeah, it did.  Maybe she accidentally farted and that’s her “oops!” face.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure that is what’s happening here.

 

 

#3:  Mmmmm, cheese.  That’s all I have to say about that! (okay, one more thing…did you notice her dress has an african safari on it?  Oh yeah, now THAT is sexy!  This is what I’m talking about, all you stupid-ass clothing designers!  Who the hell wants to wear a dress with tigers, bison, and, what the hell…is that a unicorn?!  Yeah, no.  Whoever designed this should be forced to wear it for as long as they live.  Now THAT is all I have to say about THAT!)

 

 

#4:  I’m not sure what to think about this one.  Firstly, who let her walk out of the house in that shit?  Secondly, who let her actually WORK in that shit, and thirdly, why in the hell did she actually decide to buy and wear that shit?  Because, let me tell you, that shit AINT the shit!

 

 

#5:  No comment, just got a giggle looking at this one 😀

 

 

#6:  Oh, Paula Deen, I love you.  Your face, while devouring this monsterous cookie/ice cream/chocolate/little piece of Heaven just says it all!  No words are needed!  Love you, Paula!

 

 

#7:  Oh my…

 

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“Fat People Shouldn’t” #14

 

Hey guys!  Time for another wonderful edition of “Fat People Shouldn’t”  and you know what that means!  Time to get your laugh on!  Oh yeah!

 

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #14

 

This woman has so many things wrong with her, I hardly know where to start.  Firstly, fat people shouldn’t try to squeeze their 3x ass into their little girl’s extra-small pj’s.  I love me some Spongebob, but I don’t need to see him bulging in 3D from your fat rolls.  Secondly, if, for some reason your delusional mind decides that “Yep, I think I would look DAMN hot in that shit!”, and you DO squeeze your fat ass into those tiny pj’s, you definitely shouldn’t go out into public in them.  I mean, leave the psychological problems and temporary blindness to your kids…we all have enough problems these days.  And finally, if you INSIST on leaving the house in your 6 sizes-too-small pj’s, at least wear them with class and don’t be walking along like some half-dead zombie on the hunt for a juicy brain.  It’s a lot of things, but sexy aint one of ’em.  On the other hand though, she coordinated the shit out of that whole outfit and gets bonus points for that!

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“Fat People Shouldn’t” #13

Hey guys!  Time for your weekly dose of “Fat People Shouldn’t”!!!! Let’s all get up and cheer right?!  Not to mention, it’s lucky 13!  Yeah!

“Fat People Shouldn’t” #13

Fat people shouldn’t decide on a random Wednesday that they need to go shopping when it’s actually laundry day.  I mean, some people may be able to pull off the whole “let me just stuff these perky bitches in my pants” thing…okay wait…no.  No one can.  Because if you can stuff those “perky” bitches in your pants, they most DEFINITELY aren’t perky.  Let’s leave your delusions at home, where apparently, you left the rest of your outfit.

 

 

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Hide The Fatties!!!!!!!

Hey guys!  What’s up?  Got an interesting observation to share with you guys today, and I just wanted to see if anyone else has noticed anything similar.  So, this past weekend, my wife and I went clothes shopping.  Now, I don’t do this often, as clothes shopping is pretty much the bane of every fatty’s existence, but I’m going to be shooting the video at the wedding of a couple of friends on December 1st, (congrats, Justin and Alicia!), and I had to go get a new shirt and some pants, as I have no decent dress shirts and I’m about 50lbs too fat for the black dress pants that I bought a few years ago.  Ahhh…the joys of being a fatass, right?  Anyways, so we went to JCPenny first, as they have a decent Fatass section, got some pants, and then tried not to complain too much when my wife started searching for clothes.  This continued through a few more stores, (and a few more $100 dollar bills), but over the course of the day, I noticed something that all of the stores had in common.  Firstly, next time you go in a store, look around and see if you can find the Big and Tall or Plus-Size sections.  And no, I’m not complaining because they don’t actually exist, because usually they do, no matter how woeful their selection may be.  I’m talking about their location.  Location, Location, Location.  It’s important, isn’t it?  So, where is the Fatass section in most stores?  As you may have guessed, it is generally located in some far-off, obscure corner of the store, miles from anything you may ever want or need.  After thinking it over, I’ve come up with a few probable reasons for this:

1) Store designers/CEO’s/Owners/Managers/Employees/Skinny Bitches/etc. don’t want to have to be seen anywhere near the disgusting Fatasses also shopping for (tent-sized) clothes.  I mean, they might catch a terrible case of obesity and end up going home with giant love handles and chafing thighs.

2) Maybe they are afraid they will slip in a puddle of fried chicken grease or be beaten to death by a fatty who mistakes the brown sweater you’re holding up for a giant steak.  Who knows for sure?

3) It was deemed by the Store-Owners Association of America that the Fatass section should be put at the furthest possible location from any exit in order to force us fatties to get some much needed exercise.  How else could you explain the fact that by the time I found the Big and Tall section in JCPenny #2, (yeah, we went to multiple locations), everyone had a British accent and I had to exchange my American dollars to British pounds?  £400.00 for my 400lb. ass seems appropriate, right?  Nevermind the fact that I also had to walk 400 miles to get there…

Anyways, I just think it’s a load of shit.  Just because fatties aren’t deemed by society to be as pretty or desirable as skinny bitches, we are forced to shop in the sub-basement of the store like some leprous version of Michael Jackson, dropping bits of his nose here and there as he searches for giant Hawaiian print Golden Girls shirts.

So, those are my thoughts.  What do you guys think?  Have you noticed similar patterns, and if you have, how did you find your way out of the hidden cellar hole where you found appropriate clothes?  Bread crumbs?  Rope?  GPS?  Let me know!

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